I live for the calm after the storm

I live for aftermath and loving relief

I find something so incredibly beautiful

in the way so much clarity can grow from chaos

the way you feel when the weight of situation subsides

the way you feel when she wraps her arms around you

then I remember the heavy situations I’d been in with her

heavy and hot like the summer nights we would taint

heavy as my heart that she continued to fill

with every push, shove, and drop of sweat

with every husky whisper

that made me feel like I could burst

she taught me that lust is chaos

and chaos is addicting

so she tempted me with more and more and more

and then none

I put my body through a gauntlet of drugs 

to try and embody her chaos

her clarity

after the pushing and shoving

the chaos of rough loving

we lay there like one and bask in it

with her arms around me and her head on my shoulder

It’s like I’ve never seen things more clear in my life

but I’m slowly and dreadfully realizing

that no amount of chaos I can spit into my bloodstream

will ever make me feel that alive

maybe I need to love you to survive